Trigger Warning

This blog contains repeated, graphic and highly disturbing posts regarding extreme cruelty, childhood sexual abuses, torture, and talk of being prostituted as a child. Please Read with Awareness and Caution. High Trigger Warning at all times. This is the safe place for me to write about all the horrible things I was forced to keep secret. I will hold nothing back.

Thursday, May 23, 2024

How much can you do with a penny on your knee

I had a dream that was broken and fresh when I awoke.
Seeing my father, sitting beside me, in an ultra, bizarrely small car, at the top of lookout hill, in Grand Rapids Michigan, after a treacherous drive up the narrow road lined with large, sharp rocks, and he was looking at me and I could readily see he was holding up a Lincoln penny between index finger and thumb, as he said, "how much can you do with a penny on your knee?"
It makes me queasy and sick inside to recount this turn of phrase as it is a ditty, dirty, a dare, a task, a secret, an allusion to something of an illicit and sexual nature, an act repeatedly performed, yet another sporting "game" that only my father and I would play alone and away.
Maybe it was a "car game" as those were different and only enacted in a vehicle. 
I don't know much for sure, other than this phrase elicits inner emotional distress and makes me want to run and recoil. 

I write a book and went into a fog

I published on the 25th of August. Immediately we shifted into a clouded room, ethereal and removed from reality. Couldn't think straigh...