I believe my "uncle" raped me as an anomaly as I was drugged and his first sexual encounter. Yeah, 9 year old me remembers and talks about it.
The most infamous and clear words my uncle said was "...and she won't remember any of this?" said to my evil grandmother who stood in the doorway as uncle looked at her questioning. This I saw clearly.
He wasn't a prolific pedophile. He just
inherited the family "incest gene" or the generational ideology and philosophy that sexually molesting their own children was completely acceptable. He just happened to have been a priest.
Being drugged, this being one of multiple times, had its advantages. There were definitely times that I eagerly took whatever "medicine" they offered to have a better chance of forgetting the rapes, and being more able to drift away into faraway safe places. This time, I remember seeing the reddish purple syrup that didn't taste too bad.
My grandmother holding the spoon, pouring the bottle, and presenting it to me to swallow.
Yeah, they thought I wouldn't remember a single thing but I saw and heard bits of things. Medicating, drugging a child into an ignorant stupor is a dangerous, tricky, and uncertain thing.
I saw: my self lying in the single bed, the room, the curtained window, the spoon filled with the syrupy liquid, my Uncle sitting on the edge of the bed, his arm across me propping himself up to my right; the look in his eyes was strange, not what I'd been used to seeing in men on top of me. He was anticipating, excited, yet there was a wary caution, too. There were many things on his mind. My personal well being definitely wasn't one of them.
After that, I half-eyed watch him undress. The bedroom door had been closed. I was aware yet unable to move my body in anyway. Nothing else to do but watch him as he examined me and basically experimented with all manners of touching this new thing female. Then, I was away until I heard him complete his ...examination to his satisfaction.
The grandmother was the next thing I remember. She was sitting me up trying to get me to drink...coffee, maybe? Something strong. She was making sure I could swallow as well as counteracting the drugging.
Weird to suddenly remember these new bits. My body heavy in her arms. My weight resting on her. The cup in front of my face. It wasn't hot, lukewarm probably strong coffee.
Then her helping me up. To sit on the side of the bed. My head still swimming. A cool washcloth to my face. Yeah, maybe the drug hit too hard as there was some concern that I wasn't getting fully conscious quick enough.
Again, my arm around grandmother's neck to get me standing.
So much to contemplate here.
Anyway. The whole family was in on it. Maybe not the whole family but my dad had brought me there. My grandmother had drugged me. And my uncle molested me in my great-grandmothers house.
Yeah, a family affair.
I never had a chance at normalcy or at having a loving family.
Intergenerational Incest
Just another chapter in my life
No comments:
Post a Comment